You're afraid of having that chat with your boss, your significant other, your neighbour, your teen, etc. You've been putting it off for a very long time, but you simply must speak up this time since the situation cannot continue as it is.
Nearly everyone has confrontational fear at some point in their lives. Being human and interacting with other people entails this. So, while some trepidation before engaging in those difficult talks is normal, feeling so afraid of conflict that you are unable to speak up will cost you in more ways than one.
The biggest loss, in my opinion, is doubting your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem.
How then do you overcome your fear to conflict?
Methods for Overcoming Your Fear of Confrontation
1. Change the Story
Confronting yourself with the definition of "confrontation" is the first step.
Do you think it was an aggressive act? Are you getting set to engage in a conflict where there can be only one victor? Have you learned from experience that conflict should be avoided because it only results in negative reactions, damaged feelings, and a lot of regret?
Confrontation is characterised by Merriam-Webster as "a face-to-face meeting" or "the clashing of forces or ideas."
This anticipation of unfavourable results turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. What if you began to conceive of conflict in a very different way, as opposed to all the terrible outcomes that could occur? You can start to get over your fear of confrontation by changing the script and describing it in a more positive way.
At its core, confrontation is nothing more than the communication of divergent viewpoints. When we view a confrontation as emotions increasing, spinning out of control, and an unavoidable win-lose scenario rather than as a constructive argument, the fear of confrontation comes into play. We are naturally in a better position to express ourselves without inhibitions when the discourse is reframed to centre on the prospect that conflict need not turn violent.
So, take the time to grasp your own views and understandings about the circumstance before you intend to speak with another person or a group of people. Make sure your starting point is not a bad one. The way you approach that interaction will affect how it turns out.
2. Take pleasure in "rocking the boat"
Take it a step further and decide that you're going to enjoy "rocking the boat" once you've redefined what you've previously believed confrontation to entail.
The only way to obtain what you desire is to consciously ask for it and to genuinely believe that it is required. Despite the fact that you have no influence over what the other side brings to the table, it is equally true that if you don't ask, you won't get. Furthermore, if you continue acting in the same way, you will continue to experience the same results.
Therefore, why not take a lighter and funnier approach to conflict? It has been demonstrated that laughter has the capacity to improve mood, reduce stress, and even deepen interpersonal relationships.
Tips to Go About Confrontation:
1 Instead of blaming others, ask questions out of genuine curiosity. Consider the viewpoints of others and pay attention to what they are trying to say. It's possible that anything there will strike a chord with you and be something you hadn't considered before.
2 Be aware that not everything is "black or white" and that others are also attempting to comprehend what it is that you are attempting to express. If, in your opinion, they don't quite "get it," don't get upset. Your responsibility is to ensure that what you are communicating is effective.
3 Share a laugh at something you all have in common in between these exchanges of words. Because regardless of the conflict, we actually have more things in common than not.
To share your points of view in turn, uninterruptedly, is a terrific game to do to help you overcome your fear of conflict. What did you hear me say? the individual who has just completed speaking will inquire of the others. The opposing party paraphrases what they heard.
It's their turn to express themselves if they've got it down pat. If they didn't, they keep talking until they get the speaker's nod that says, "Yes, precisely what I said." This exercise may appear stupid at first, but it's really eye-opening in terms of how straightforward misconceptions may be resolved before spiralling into a full-blown worst-case scenario confrontation.
3. Stop Trying to Please Everyone
Rather than the other people you're interacting with, your fear of confrontation is more about you. People-pleasing, which is the tendency to focus excessively on winning others' approval and avoiding confrontation, is linked to conflict avoidance and is frequently associated with infancy.
As adults, we often struggle with speaking up since we grew up in surroundings that were either dismissive or overly judgmental. We discover as a result that being silent is much safer.
The time has changed since then, though. It's time for you as an adult to reassure the little kid you once were (and who still resides inside of you) that you can handle this. You are vocal. Your thoughts have worth. You matter.
It's time to get comfortable intentionally disappointing people. I am aware that it sounds a little crazy. But rest assured, it does.
It is empowering to use lower-stakes interactions with individuals or situations to practise using your voice. Even when you could do what they are asking off you, saying "no, I won't" or "sadly, I'm unable to follow through on that at this time" is a very effective technique for when it matters most.
Saying "no" has significant impact. Why? Because declining these less-demanding possibilities will undoubtedly result in the other person recognising your boundaries and even serves as a sort of self-care, expressing, "No, that's not what I want to do" will also benefit you. [4]
You gain confidence in voicing your views and having your voice heard every time you receive supportive feedback as opposed to a threatening or unsettling reaction.
Consider the scenario in which your partner asks you to stop by on your way home to pick up their dry cleaning. Could be. Just say no, "Oh, shoot, I won't be able to," without giving a reason unless you want to think of one. After work, I have plans and won't be in that area of town.
If you attempt it, you'll quickly find that you have power and that the other person will accept your response, even though the idea of you not pleasing your person may make you feel a little uneasy.
Bringing those empowering experiences with you into an emotionally charged conversation gives you the courage and fortitude to say what you want to rather than holding back out of a fear of confrontation that you can now acknowledge you once had. Practice and baby steps will help you overcome your fear of disagreement.
Concluding Thoughts
You need to practise facing your fear of conflict. There may be times when confrontations arise in any communication with another individual or group that is worthwhile. It is worthwhile to put in the effort to overcome confrontational phobias. Shift your script, enjoy upsetting the apple cart, and work on letting go of your desire to win people over. Putting these suggestions into action and starting small are the key steps.
Thanks
Umesh Nair
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